No matter how amazing you are at your job it is unlikely that you will get through your career without being exposed to some sort of criticism, even if it is just a development need highlighted at appraisal time. I’m not great at taking criticism so this post is as much an advisory for myself as anyone else. There are two main types of criticism, constructive and destructive. Destructive criticism is personal and hurtful, and that is not the type I am writing about here. You don’t have to learn to accept destructive criticism; you have to learn to ignore it. For a harsh but amusing explanation of the difference between destructive and constructive criticism check out this Huff Post blog. With constructive criticism people are generally trying to help you, and whether you think they are right or not, what they have to say is likely to be the vibe they are getting from you so even if you don’t recognise your behaviour in what they are telling you, it is probably worth thinking about the impression you are giving others. Here are some things to think about when you find yourself in that dreaded situation:

Stop your first reaction

Easier said than done right? But at least think about what your usual initial reaction is, because it is almost always irrational. Do you get defensive and start listing all the evidence to prove you are not what the person is telling you? Or do you start blaming other people? Or get angry? Me? I’m a crier. I just can’t help it. I know what people are saying is probably right, and I am usually embarrassed. Recently my line manager took me aside in advance of a meeting a work. I had been asked by a senior director in the company to participate in a working group about something very important to me. My manager warned me that sometimes my passion can make me seem dogmatic and self-righteous, and her advice was to try and communicate in a way that brings people along, rather than turns them off. She was perfectly nice about it, she was trying to help me be more effective, and she was giving me advice rather than just telling me where was going wrong. But, as soon as she said it my eyes started to fill up, and I could feel myself getting hot. This is a sign of embarrassment. A normal, though not professional reaction. My boss could see my reaction and started to feel bad. But I quickly reassured her that she did the right thing; I didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t give me constructive criticism, I want more of it, it is essential to my development.

Who is the critic?

Just because someone is giving you constructive criticism, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are right, but as I said, you should listen to what everyone has to say because you are making an impression on everyone. But you should think about whether the criticiser’s opinion is important to you, whether they are in a position to know the truth and what their motive is. Most people giving constructive criticism are just trying to help you, even if it may not feel like it. Your boss is hopefully just trying to help you develop, your colleagues are trying to make the team work effectively, and your customers are trying to tell you what you can do to give them better service and make them return. If it is the office busybody or someone who thinks they are more of an expert than they are, then their opinion may have less credibility for you.

What useful information are they giving you?

How good the critic is at delivering criticism will affect how much crap you have to wade through, but really try and think about the underlying meaning. Recently I sent an email out to a big distribution at work. It was trying to get people to do something really boring but necessary, so I used my usual brand of humour to lighten it a little. Well, one person replied to all with an inference that my email was bullying behaviour. I was mortified. Everyone saw it. Many people came to me and said “don’t listen to the guy, we all know he’s an idiot” (see previous point about who the critic is), people emailed my boss saying “anyone who knows Kathryn knows that was a joke, and most people I spoke to told me to ignore it. Except my boss. There she is again, insightful as ever. She said to me along of the lines of “you didn’t do anything wrong, everyone else supports you, but there is a lesson to be learned here and that is that humour doesn’t always come across in email, and just be a bit more mindful about what you write”. Any she was completely right, despite everyone’s support there was something constructive I could learn from the situation, even if it wasn’t the intended message.

You are not supposed to be perfect

This last point is important for maintaining your sanity and self worth. You are not supposed to be perfect. There will always be things that you can improve on, not just you, but everyone around you. Knowing that will make accepting criticism a lot easier. I’m reading Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection at the moment and she mentions a line from a Leonard Cohen song, Anthem, which is a useful reminder “There’s a crack in everything. It’s how the light gets in”. Brown says “…our imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together. Imperfectly, but together.”